Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
It was beyond pathetic. You yelled her name at every blonde chick we saw hoping it would be her. Then you puked your corn dog
So drunk. Washed my hair un pancheros sink cus I was so hot.
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
I just felt emotion and I'm not okay with it
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
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