Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
You would think that an uncircumcised man would understand how the hood of a clit works.
we got hammered off table wine and i ended up biting my acrylic nail off so i could finger his butt.. ill never look at valentines day the same
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
studying for my Anatomy final and masturbating to Japanese porn are practically the same thing
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
He made me put my cow print vest and my cowboy hat from my ' sheriff woody' costume and said I'll show you a woody. What I charmer huh!? I love make up sex
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
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