I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
You want to move to a city because of their promotional beer pricing
So?
This is why you shouldn't make decisions
So to distract myself from jackies vomiting, im making up a story in my head. It's called the little penis that could
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
