just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
just shaved my legs at the gas station bathroom before going to the club. is that too ghetto?
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
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