i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
eh.. i should've known it was headed downhill after he used the phrase "pussy sundae"
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
there is another microwave in the elevator.
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
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