she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
This is most sickening thing I've ever seen, and I threw up my body weight in jello shots on my birthday.
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
Randomize
