When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
like i told you yesterday: virgins, blood, my name. do it.
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
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