my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
My only expectation is honesty. And three orgasms every time.
being a senior sucks, I just started embracing my inner slutty college girl, and it's almost time to put her away...for like, ever. and i really like her.
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
Randomize
