'hiiiigh' is saved in my t9 for a reason
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
We can get high as fuck when there are no orders. If not its cool. I just figured Take Your Blunt Buddy To Work Day.
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
Randomize
