i have it on good authority that she is not as good at giving head as she claims she is
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
Randomize
