Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
her nickname was handjob. I knew what i was getting into.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
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