if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
9 of the 12 girls i had sex with in college are on facebook
it was an ugly road back then. i'm sure time hasn't been friendly.
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
Randomize
