turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
I had to fart so bad so i let it go hoping it would be quiet, it was loud and shit came out!!! and i couldnt leave because her parents were behind me
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
They just dared her to tape flip flops to her tits. Entertainment value cannot be found like this in any other part of America.
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
So really what you're asking for is an allowance to not have sex on our futon.
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
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