New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
People with herpes should wear stickers.
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
She swung at the pinata with crutches
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Randomize
