I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
I'm so ready for finals. She finally agreed to skypesex me from spain so now i'm up until 4am studying every morning waiting for her to get online
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
You dont lie about slip and slides
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
Justin has passed out on the toilet in a locked stall. Stay tuned for pics.
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