I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
Don't threaten to terrorize my ass hole unless you have to wherewithal to back it up
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
Lesbians are nicde people they do not take debit cards
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
banged a milf last night. she left right after cause of parent teacher conferences this morning. victory.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
i'm now remembering the last part of my nigght....ugh. apperently i bargained with the wendys drive up girl after they closed and got "w/e they had left" for $7
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
Randomize
