Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
Ive been sitting around naked watching magic on youtube.
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
You are the jesus of drinking
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