you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
So, is Canada considered an excessive distance to go for a booty call? Asking for a friend...
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Randomize
