If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
Just saw a couple do like 5 Sakai bombs and my dad goes "who says love is dead"
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
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