Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
So drunk, too bad you don't want this
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
is it bad i banged a 25yr kindergarten teacher last night?
No thats like a top 10
Gotta love hanging with Nat. By the time guys realize she isnt going home with them, they've spent enough money and time to think I'm a good idea.
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
This adderall has me convinced I'm an Econ major.
Tranny group. Dance off. Horse hair and dicks swinging. I. Cant. Unsee. This.
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
Well that's my green light to bang ur brother. Its not real til its on fb
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
I'll pass on that plan. The lack of my penis in new vaginas is no where on the itinerary.
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
Randomize
