I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
we were running around the halls trying to bloodhound search out the source of the weed smell, but we ran into six other people doing the same thing, and they all said they assumed it was us.
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
Randomize
