Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
He's sweet and rough. A wonderful contradiction. He's the starburst of sex.
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
You are a lesbian wizard with red hair. You are willow
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
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