dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
i jsut waqnnna hugg thw crap outa sokme peoplee
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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