If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
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