i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
I just remember her telling me "Hi, my names Kaissa and I'm a lesbian" over and over and over and over again as I was crying.
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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