Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
Thank you, I really appreciate that. I know I couldn't participate in class tonight and I hope that doesn't affect my grade too much. So please let me know of any extra credit opportunities such as fellatio
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
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