Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
Randomize
