i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
Say thank you and give him a blowjob.
tell me about the fingering
Randomize
