this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
They past out watching a re-run of the 1984 presidential debate on cspan
He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
This is just what we do. We meet guys, go back to their place, smoke all their weed & go home to compete in out own version of Cupcake Wars.
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
