i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Randomize
