Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
I puked in a solo cup and then offered it to him. So yeah, it was a rough night.
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
Handcuffed our DD to a naked stripper don't think he will try to sneak out
He can pick locks you know
That's the reason for the naked stripper
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Randomize
