I dont understand how a fully grown man could convince himself that lime green crocks would look good on him.
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
I HAVE TOO MICH DICK TALKING TO ME IDK WHAT TO DO.
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
Randomize