she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize
