in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
you definitely held a convo with a hobo
we have a secret handshake
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Randomize
