well that was a long night...
dude, you were pretty messed up... what happened?
no idea... but i still woke up with my pirate hat on
My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
it's not cheating when I paid for it
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
If my one night stand asked me to move in with him right after does it still count as a one nighter?
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
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