she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
Who knew a blowjob could cause this kind of crazy
He wasn't prepared for it
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
sarah's view on last night: a threesome to make things less awkward. oh, well done.
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