On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
studying for my Anatomy final and masturbating to Japanese porn are practically the same thing
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
Randomize
