I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
