Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met
thanks it was an honor just to be nominated
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
Sorry I couldn't reference you in my facebook quote. I will redirect any likes and comments straight to my blowjob efforts this week.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
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