Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
Randomize
