I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
Randomize
