Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
I'll reiterate. Best drinking game ever. I shall teach it to my children's children
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
He was very considerate of my needs, he offered me pizza before and after.
Randomize
