Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
He might have if you were a little more subtle about your feelings instead of telling everyone multiple times how much you wanted his dick
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
It's pitch dark except for the glow sticks, someone turned the heat up as high as it would go and the bathroom is flooded. Also think I just stepped on someone's face.
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
Randomize
