I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
Oh well shit happens. This is my not worried face. This is also my still decently drunk face.
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
She's a virgin AND a minister's daughter. We're one schoolgirl outfit from the dear penthouse trifecta
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
Randomize
