I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
yo dibs on the gosselin haired one.
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
Well that's the thing. He does want to take me out... To a strip club. I see this going down a very bad road but you know I'm going to go.
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
She deserves a chance to suck my penis. This is America. Its her God given right.
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
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