i now know how you feel when you have to walk me home. she ran into a streetlight and into garbage.
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
It's very clear that i'm the girl sweating out four lokos at 2 in the afternoon at the gym
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
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