I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
I'm scared at the amount of beastiality in this conversation.
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
Randomize
