Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
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