It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
He's getting so into these sexts, I hate to tell him I'm fully clothes, watching Bring It On and eating chips and salsa.
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
Randomize
