would you consider dating someone with braces an investment?
good call on bringing her. it's always good to invite chicks who mix booze and prescription drugs.
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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