Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
Just discovered Kim Possible porn. Life is now complete.
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
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