Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
we should wear snuggies to the strip club
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs"
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
That guy has been pretty randomly in and out of my vagina for 4 years...I don't think I'm required to tell him when I'm dating.
Good point.
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
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