yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
He sent a video of him jacking off....class will be awkward tomorrow
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
Randomize
