nut hugger
I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
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