I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
Its like he woke the dragon, and the dragon is hungry for a good dick.
I feel like im becoming the girl who only drunk texts him. I would be in the dog house, if situations like this had dog houses.
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
Being forward is somethimes a problems. Like in sexual deity Kong.
I think you’re losing coherence.
I am
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
