How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
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