You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
just threw up in the bushes outside my lecture hall. sometimes i hate the freedom college gives you.
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
I dunno about you, but I consider getting eaten out on the porch of a houseboat in -30c in a bridesmaids dress a northern right of passage
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