so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
We just watched planet earth in marine bio. And our prof told us that was all we were doing on 420
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
Randomize
