How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
me and him got disney princess makeovers at disneyworld. this is why gay guys make the best friends.
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
My little sister just helped me edit my nudes so that's how my night is going
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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