Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
"must pass the hog line" should not only be used in curling. but also when we go out to pick up girls.
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
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