The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
This is the high leading the old right now
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
Randomize
