Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
We won 11 games of beer pong, and then I spent a half hour trying to get into the top bunk. Then i realized it was a cabinet in the bathroom
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
Randomize
