Iiiiiii almost fall ib the lake
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
He bought my favorite ceral.. I've guess I've earn the status as one of his regular fuck buddies. I feel honored and proud. His roommates girls don't get this treatment.
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
I think my vagina is phsycic. All day it tingled and then BAM Channing Tatums look alike fucks me like ive never been fucked in my life.
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
He'd pee in it. And since it's PBR I'd have no idea
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
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