The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
He managed to rip my nipple last night....
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
Randomize
