My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
I just saw Sharon Stone's cootch in high def. I think I'll stay gay.
Just used my last prints at the library for brackets instead of final reviews. Hello March.
he just wrote my ten page research paper for tit pics. i love my boobs.
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
I got pulled into the conversation by "she sleeps with everybody" then "she" involved sleeping with "cocks the size of a viva burrito"
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
Randomize
