Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
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