So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
I could fuck to npr.
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
she squeaked mid orgaism. I laughed she cried
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
Randomize
