Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
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