i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
I don't know what you're talking about. I just drank beer out of my own bellybutton by doing a backbend and letting it run down my body.
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
i want us to warm up up with us making out while i lay you down touching and feeling all the spots you know are going to get you warmed up. im gonna move down your body kissing every inch as i move down past your panty line ;)
Did you watch the carolina game tonight?
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
Randomize
